If God Were a Human Father We’d Jail His Ass

By Paul Thomas Zenki

Transcript from deposition, Humanity v. God … Plaintiffs’ Attorney: Please state your name. Defendant: Yahweh PA: Age? D: Eternal PA: Occupation? D: Almighty God PA: And you also go by the alias Heavenly Father? D: Sure. PA: Mr. Yahweh — D: No mister. PA: Beg pardon? D: No “mister.” Just Yahweh. PA: OK then, “Yahweh,” […]

How Habits Can Make Idiots of Us All

By Paul Thomas Zenki

The “power of habit” works both ways, unfortunately … Years ago I heard of an experiment supposedly performed at the Yerkes Primate Research Center in Atlanta. What they did, so the story goes, was to put a scaffold in the chimpanzees’ rec room with an enormous bunch of grapes perched on top. Apes, in case […]

Florida Man Explains Why Florida Is Bat**** Insane

By Paul Thomas Zenki

It’s not the heat, it’s not the humidity, it’s the people … Back around 1990, some friends and I had a habit of strolling over to the Red Lion pool hall to watch America’s Most Wanted and count how often our state came up. If the number was ever zero, I don’t recall it. Yes, […]

Perfect Deviled Eggs Start with Steaming, Not Boiling

By Paul Thomas Zenki

Simple secret makes egg shells peel perfectly … In the American South, deviled eggs are nearly a contact sport. I know a pair of sisters who maintained a seventeen-year fued over paprika. (Don’t ask.) Indeed, many a church supper’s been silently plagued with pride, envy, gluttony, covetousness, perhaps even inklings of lust over deviled eggs. […]

Hell Yeah I Went to Walmart in My Pajamas

By Paul Thomas Zenki

An old fart learns to lighten up … A while back, I saw a tweet that said: I can’t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life, or are living it to the fullest. That little sentence crawled into my head like an earwig and stuck there. It became my Zen […]

How to Accept (and Decline) an Invitation in the South

By Paul Thomas Zenki

In the South, etiquette is a game of chess … Lots of folks are moving to the South these days, and I’m gonna do all y’all transplants a big favor. You can thank me later. There’s a lot that goes unspoken down here, so it’s real easy to screw up and not be aware of […]

In Search of the Hysterical Jesus

By Paul Thomas Zenki

The lighter side of Jesus of Nazareth … When comedian Alan King was asked “What is the essence of Jewish humor?” he answered with a story. A guy’s having lunch at a Jewish deli. He flags down the waiter and says, “Taste the soup.” The waiter asks, “Is something wrong?” “Taste the soup.” “Is it […]

Why “Fish Don’t Fry in the Kitchen”

By Paul Thomas Zenki

And who grills beans anyway? … A rolling stone gathers no moss. A watched pot never boils. Fish don’t fry in the kitchen. And beans don’t burn on the grill. It is known. But wait, hold the phone a sec. Of course fish fries in the kitchen. Where else are you gonna fry it, the […]

14 Extremely Useful English Words You Probably Don’t Know

By Paul Thomas Zenki

Once you know them, you can’t forget them — even if you want to … Some words, when you learn them, you wonder how you ever got along without them. And sometimes, there’s just no right word when you need one, so you have to make your own. These 14 words fall into both categories for me. […]