If God Were a Human Father We’d Jail His Ass
Transcript from deposition, Humanity v. God …
Plaintiffs’ Attorney: Please state your name.
D: Almighty God
PA: And you also go by the alias Heavenly Father?
PA: Mr. Yahweh —
D: No mister.
PA: Beg pardon?
D: No “mister.” Just Yahweh.
PA: OK then, “Yahweh,” regarding complaint number one, is it true you threw your children Adam and Eve out of the house shortly after they were born?
D: Oh that, yeah.
PA: As I understand it, this was for eating a piece of fruit?
D: Well if you put it that way….
PA: So why did you kick them out?
D: I’d planted this tree in the garden and I told them, don’t eat from it or you’ll die. But one day they were out back —
PA: Playing in the yard?
D: No, they were tilling the ground.
PA: I’m sorry?
D: Yeah, that’s why I had them. To work the garden.
PA: You don’t do that yourself?
D: I’ve retired from gardening.
PA: I see. Please, continue.
D: So they’re out there and this neighbor kid decides to prank them.
PA: To be clear, this “neighbor kid” is not your child.
D: Well… I mean….
PA: So, it is your child?
D: It was from an earlier — Look, he was rebellious. Lots of backsass. So I disowned him.
PA: Thank you for the clarification, go on.
D: So this kid tells them I’m a liar, says they won’t die, and if they eat the fruit they’ll become smart like me. So Eve, she eats it, then she gives it to Adam and he does, too.
PA: And how did you discover they’d done this?
D: Well, I hadn’t given them any clothes, and —
PA: No clothes?
D: Eden has amazing weather. Anyhow, one evening I’m out walking after dinner and I find them out there, they’d figured out how to stitch some clothes together, so, bingo!
PA: They didn’t die, then?
D: Um, no.
PA: Are you not on record as saying that, after eating this fruit, your son Adam had become like you, knowing good from evil?
D: [Clears throat] Uh, yeah, I suppose.
PA: So this neighbor kid was actually telling the truth?
D: Ah, well, yes. Technically.
PA: Did you retaliate against him in any way?
D: I cut his legs off if that’s what you’re referring to.
PA: His legs.
D: And his arms. Like I said, he was a real pain in the ass.
PA: And did his behavior improve after this punishment?
D: Not exactly.
PA: Moving on to complaint number two, there was an incident with your grandsons, Cain and Abel?
D: Oh, right, the thing after the barbecue.
PA: The barbecue?
D: Yeah, we had this cookout and Abel brought these magnificent steaks. Oh, I can smell ’em right now! Cain, he brought a salad.
PA: And what was your response to that?
D: I said, “Abel, these steaks are freaking awesome!” I couldn’t brag enough on that boy.
PA: What did you say to Cain?
D: I said, “Cain, get the f*** outta here with this rabbit food! You think anybody likes that s***?” Ended up tossing it out.
PA: And this made Cain jealous of his brother?
D: I’d say so.
PA: In fact, Cain lured his brother out into a field and murdered him, did he not?
D: Yeah. Damn shame. Those really were amazing steaks.
PA: And what was your reaction to this?
D: The boy had to leave home. But I told everybody, anyone messes with Cain I smite their ass!
PA: Wait, you protected him?
PA: And why’d you do that?
D: Y’know, you sure do ask a lot of questions.
PA: All right, let’s move on to complaint number three, involving your great, great, great, great —
D: Hey, they’re all my children, OK? I can’t keep count anymore.
PA: OK, then. Involving your “child” Noah.
D: Such a good boy, Noah.
PA: What made him a good boy?
D: He obeyed my commandments.
D: Children need structure.
PA: And the rest of your offspring?
PA: How so?
D: Wouldn’t listen up. Just had to do things their own way, is all.
PA: I see. And what did you do about that?
D: Drowned them.
PA: You drowned them?
D: It’s called tough love, look it up.
PA: All right then.
D: But I promised I’d never do it again.
PA: And you’ve kept that promise?
D: So far.
PA: And you intend to continue keeping that promise?
D: Well, I mean, you can’t “drown” in a lake of fire, can you?
PA: I suppose not.
D: Then yeah, sure.
PA: Speaking of which, moving on to complaint number four involving one Mary of Nazareth….
D: There was nothing inappropriate about that.
PA: Mary is one of your “children,” is she not?
PA: Did Mary consent to you impregnating her?
D: She didn’t say I couldn’t.
PA: Now her son, Jesus. You’ve testified that you had Adam and Eve to work in your garden. Was there a specific reason for having Jesus?
D: Human sacrifice.
PA: Alrighty. Did Jesus ever ask to not be sacrificed?
PA: And your response?
D: You know what I’ve said about backsass.
PA: Yes, we have that.
D: And anyway, three days later he was back home. So, you know, no harm, no foul.
PA: So about this lake of fire….
D: Yeah, everyone who believes that Jesus is back at the house also gets to come to the house.
PA: And everybody else?
D: Lake of fire.
PA: I see. And they die in this lake of fire, I presume?
D: Nope. I keep them alive forever so they can suffer for eternity.
PA: U-huh. And did you tell the rest of your children how all this works?
D: I left a note.
PA: A note. When did you leave this note?
D: About two thousand years ago.
PA: And where did you leave it?
D: With some friends of Jesus.
PA: And these friends, I assume they were world leaders, pre-eminent scholars, powerful priests, something like that, people of influence who were widely known and trusted?
D: No, for the most part they were day laborers, fishermen, taveling salesmen, that kind of people.
PA: I see. Now, are you aware that others have left similar notes also claiming to be your children’s father?
D: Oh, you mean like Brahma, Budhha, Allah, those guys?
PA: Among others, yes.
D: Yeah, I really wish they wouldn’t do that.
PA: Have you tried to stop them?
D: What can I do?
PA: Your résumé says you’re all-powerful.
D: Well, yeah. I’m not a show-off, though.
PA: May I direct your attention to —
D: OK OK! That was a loooong time ago.
PA: So you no longer perform miracles?
D: Sometimes I’ll give a little sign, you know? Like, I’ll put Jesus’s face on a cracker or something.
PA: M-hm. Are you not on record as saying that when you send Jesus back to judge the living and the dead, you shall cause… let me see here… the stars to fall from the sky, the moon to turn to blood, the earth to be torn asunder, men to speak and to hear yet not understand each other, the mountains to be laid low and the valleys filled up, and the bones of the dead to rise from their graves?
D: I’m saving my strength.
PA: One more question regarding the lake of fire, will you be personally delivering the eternal torture there to all non-believers?
D: No, I work from home now.
PA: Right. So who will be in charge?
D: Um… the neighbor kid.
PA: OK then. No further questions at this time.
D: Good. So are we done here now, cause I gotta go help Tim Tebow win some football games.
Header image: God the Father Enthroned, detail (public domain)
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