1st Rule of Trump Club Is: Never Stop Lying

By Paul Thomas Zenki

Because the fight is never over …

Damned if I didn’t stumble across yet another article today by yet another befuddled onlooker wondering why in the hell Matt Gaetz doesn’t just hang it up and go home. Nobody likes the guy, even in his own party. And after all, it costs a person exactly nothing to keep his head down and at least look too busy to talk while supposedly false accusations of esctasy-fueled sex trafficking of minors are being lobbed about.

I mean, couldn’t he be persuaded to “avoid even the appearance of scandal” and step aside from his duties “for the good of the party” until all this is ironed out? Maybe take a leave of absence while he and his fiancée plan their nuptials? You know, for privacy’s sake and such.

But oh no, not our boy Matt. He’s having none of that. No, he’s out there exposing the conspiracies against him to Tucker Carlson (who will surely recall that double date with Matt and his “friend” two years ago), releasing unsigned letters of support by unnamed women, insisting that Don Trump did not in fact refuse to have a Diet Coke with him, and just this afternoon vowing he is “not going to stop” telling the truth “about them”.

Twitter post from Matt Gaetz saying "They lie about me because I tell the truth about them. And I'm not going to stop."
Matt Gaetz via Twitter, 12 April 2020

Consider yourself officially on notice, Them.

Now we’ve seen this show before, you know. Remember the Kavanaugh hearings, back when a nominee for the Supreme Court of the United States of America sat before the US Senate with cameras rolling and insisted that in his college days “bufu” did not mean “bu** fu**”, but was actually a reference to farts, and all the fraternity trash-talk about puking had nothing whatsoever to do with getting knee-walking drunk but was all about the young man’s tender digestive sensibilities, as frat boys are wont to discuss amongst themselves out of concern for one another’s intestinal health? Remember that?

Welcome to Trump Club, folks.

You see, if there is anything Don Trump has to teach us all, it is that once the grift begins, there can be no end to it. Why? Because the grift is the Truth and must be treated as the Truth come hell or high water. One does not decide that the Declaration of Independence was not signed in 1776, or that Cheyenne is not the capital of Wyoming, or that Michael Phelps can’t swim. These things are simply not open for debate.

Just so, there is no changing one’s mind about the truth of the grift. Ever. It was true then, it is true now, and it shall always be true, yea until the very ends of the earth.

Now you may be wondering, doesn’t there ever come a time when the charade is played out? A time when you’re truly cornered with no exit and the best course of action is to try to save your own bacon by fessing up and throwing yourself on the mercy of the court, or whoever else it may be who’s got you by the avocados? Or at the very least piping down and not continuing to draw attention to yourself?

Please. Folks, this is just math.

Let’s say X number of people believe you are being falsely accused, Y number of people think you’re guilty, and Z number of people aren’t sure, don’t care, or have no idea any of this is even happening. Well, admitting your guilt can only have the effect of increasing Y and reducing X to the slim margin of true believers who are prepared to accept that your confession is false, likely the result of torture or threats to murder your loved ones in their sleep. What’s more, it drastically reduces your chances of benefiting from pardons, mistrials, deaths of key witnesses, and other unexpected strokes of good luck.

And here’s the thing, you gotta sell it. By which I don’t mean behaving the way falsely accused people actually behave, with a shake of the head and “this is ridiculous”. No no, you gotta play the pro wrestling version of the insulted innocent, which involves brain-melting, shackle-bursting, spittle-flicking rage, and a fist-shaking vow never to relent until the Truth is known and the evil-doers behind this chicanery get what’s coming to them.

Pastel of justice Brett Kavanaugh with a look of righteous anger
Image by DonkeyHotey (public domain)

You gotta get Real Housewives kinda mad. You gotta have the unwavering conviction of Ted Bundy himself who, acting as his own defense counsel against charges of multiple murder, asserted that “more than ever, I am convinced of my innocence.”

So please. Let’s drop this notion that there is some bridge of shame beyond which Matt Gaetz shall not pass. That juncture does not exist. Because it cannot be allowed to exist.

Why? Because Matt Gaetz is innocent today, innocent tomorrow, and innocent forever.

And you can take that to the bank.

Header image: Matt Gaetz introduces Donald Trump at Dream City Church in Phoenix, AZ, 23 June 2020 (photo by Gage Skidmore, public domain)

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Paul Thomas Zenki is an essayist, ghostwriter, copywriter, marketer, songwriter, and consultant living in Athens, GA.